Living with Invisible Limitations, Yes - But, and Trellises.

Make A few weeks ago, I found myself in the most uncomfortable situation!

My husband and I invited two people over for coffee that we’d recently met. It was a beautiful day. We sat in the garden drinking iced tea and chatting. Such interesting and enjoyable people with their long, full lives. After two hours, we went inside and I got out some treats, and then, well, I just plain wore out.

My brain fritzed.

I couldn’t follow the conversation anymore. I felt suddenly and totally exhausted. I needed to be alone. I didn’t know how to tell them. I mean, what can you say? “Thanks for coming, we enjoyed it so much. But you need to leave?”

Awkward doesn’t begin to explain how I felt.

I couldn’t find any words. So, I mumbled some thank yous and it’s been so fun and let’s do this again while finishing our treats. They were gracious. I was deeply embarrassed.

Why is it that we bend over backwards to try and make other people feel comfortable, when at the same time, we don’t allow ourselves the grace we need? Why is it so difficult and embarrassing to express our own requirements?

I suppose it’s the way I grew up. Make others comfortable. Be a good hostess. Deny yourself.

Buck up and carry on.

Well, those days are over!

I can’t buck up my brain. I can’t carry on when my head says STOP.

I can’t grin my way through when my brain shuts down. I’m trying to learn to listen to what my body and brain are telling me. And I’m trying to figure out a way to express what’s going on inside my head beacuase it isn't visible to those around me.

My new motto is becoming, “YES. BUT.”

• YES. I’d love you to come and visit. BUT. I’m only free for two hours.

• YES. I’d love to meet you for ice cream. BUT. I need to sit outside where there’s no music.

• YES. Let’s go for a walk. BUT not near a noisy construction zone, or a noisy highway.

• YES. I’d love to come over. BUT.

  • Please turn off the radio and TV and music.

  • And not too early. (before 10 a.m.)

  • And not too late. (after 9 p.m.)

  • not too long. (two hours is my max)

I get tired of explaining. But I also understand that people won’t know my needs if I don’t tell them.

• Yes, I can drive. But not after dark. Can you pick me up?

• Yes, I can watch a TV Show. But No, I can’t go to the movies.

• Yes, I can play pickleball. But bending over to pick up the ball is hard. Give me some time to recover my balance between volleys.

Last summer, I planted peas, but didn’t give them any support.

They grew lanky and long and fell over. They produced little.

This year I put up trellises.

The difference is incredible. We are already enjoying pea pods in our salads and stir-fry. I've come to think of my parameters in a similar way. The naps I need and the 15 minute quiet breaks spread throughout the day, are not hinderances. They are not hostile or obstacles or things to be rallied against. They are my trellises. Just thinking of them in this way has been very helpful.

I want my life to be full of YES. To be positive. To focus on all the wonderful, good things that are available.

I don’t want my brain injury to become my ‘identity’. The first thing I bring up. My opening line. The thing I always have to tell people.

So that’s the impossible balancing act that is my life. Living YES while simultaneously needing to express my limitations when those limitations are, for the most part, invisible.

The wise old philosopher, Plato, once said,

“Be Kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

I don’t need to know everyone’s battles. I don’t need everyone to know all of mine, either.

But somewhere in-between those two, there's a sweet spot I’m trying to locate.

A spot of honesty that doesn’t overshare and overspill itself. A place of being able to speak a little about the invisible parts of my healing and progress and, yes, my limitations.

Honesty that doesn't want pity.

Honesty that is just a statement of truth. Simple and clear. Not ashamed. Not embarrassed. Not complicated.

I hope you are learning to speak your truth, too.

We all have limitations. We all have needs.

We are merely human beings. We are all in this together.

And there are many types of trellises to help us on our way.

I hope you are finding yours as I am beginning to find mine.

Thank you so much for reading!

love, Jill