Living on Fumes

She’s a speech-language pathologist who specializes in , among other things, acquired brain injury. When I first walked into her office, I told her, “I want you to know, that I’ll do anything you think will help me. Sudoku. Mind games. Mathematical problems. Learn a new language. You tell me, I’ll do it.”

She looked at me kindly, smiled, and then gently said, “I think what you – like many people in the upper Midwest – don’t know how to do, is to rest.”

Bingo! Boy did she nail me on that one. I come from a line of homesteading immigrant grandparents on both sides of my family. We know how to work hard and long, how to how to push forward, how to get it done, how to succeed!

The therapist said she has lots of things for us to work on in the future, but first, my brain needed more energy. I was running on fumes.

What she said made complete sense – you can’t run a marathon on empty – but still it turned my world upside down.

I’ve been gutting through a lot of the past three years. Getting my exercises and therapies done, doing balance and gait work, co-ordination routines, dizziness drills. To some extent, it has served me well. I am so much stronger and better than three years ago.

But I am also so, so tired. Tired isn’t even a good word for it anymore. I’m exhausted.

If I’m driving and actually run out of gas, it takes a lot of extra work, effort and time to get filled up again. It might included walking to the station, carrying a jerry can, filling it up, walking back to the car. You get the picture. Yet, that is exactly what I’ve been doing. Using up all of my brain energy, draining the tank, and then wondering why my brain is sputtering.

My new therapist says my brain can’t build new pathways and learn new skills when it’s exhausted and empty. She says there are three ways a brain can save energy: Routine, Rest, and Reserve. I left her office with the assignment of learning to build routine into my life. Not exactly my strong point.

Every morning I take out a sheet of paper, the hours of the day written down the side, and some ‘anchor’ times put in: Wake up and give myself some time to ‘gear-up’ for the day. Breakfast. Journaling. Yoga. Free time. Lunch. Rest. Free time. Rest. Supper.

And here’s the kicker. The free time is not a time to get out my to-do list and diligently cross everything off of it one by one. Nope.

What!? I’m the queen of the to-do list. I come from a long line of to-do list experts.

My grandmother embroidered her to-do list on her dishtowels. Monday: Washing. Tuesday: Ironing. Wednesday: Baking.

No to-do list? It seems almost unamerican!  

What I make now, I’m calling my Maybe List.

In my free time, I look at the maybe list and I don’t just get it done. I look at the list and then talk to my brain about it.

I ask my brain, What do you have the energy to do? What can you handle?

Maybe my brain can handle cutting veg for supper but isn’t up to computer work. Maybe I can knit, but there’s no way I can go get groceries.

I’m trying to learn to decipher how much brain energy I actually have.

Rest means different things to different people.

For some it’s yoga, breath work, or quiet meditation. Some people listen to relaxing music. Some knit. Basically, brain rest means putting the brain in neutral. Doing something that doesn’t engage it. Taking a break in a way that works for you.

Reserve means learning to stop before my brain is out of energy.

It isn’t as easy as it sounds. After a lifetime of just get it done, I’m trying to listen to the brain’s subtle clues. There are all kinds of them. Mental, emotional, and physical. Getting nauseated or dizzier. Having a shorter fuse. Losing words. Confusion.

I’ve learned that reserving energy for me often means cutting out noise. No audiobook or music, no telephone calls. Putting in my fantastic Loop Earplugs before I need them. Quiet is one of the things that really helps my brain to relax, restore, and reserve energy.

Learning to stop before I’m at my end means I’m starting to save brain energy and am building some reserve energy, too.

She says, “If you feel good, keep it that way!”

This information makes me feel so empowered. Or as people these days love to say, it’s giving me back some agency!

Last week, I went out to one store, and felt pretty darn good, not overwhelmed. So I thought to myself, oh, let’s do another. But then, I heard my therapist’s voice saying to me, “Do you feel good? Keep it that way.”

So I went home. Happy, one errand accomplished, and not totally exhausted by doing too much.

I think what I’m learning is good for so many scenarios, not just brain injury.

Are you doing way too much?

I understand there are busy seasons in life, but I also know there can be a kind of macho involved. People who say, “Hey. Look at me. Look how I’m sacrificing for someone else’s good. Look at me give. Look at me overdo. Pick up the slack. Carry and solve everyone else’s problems.”

Resting is not quitting.

Imagine that!

As ever, thank you for following and reading along,

Love always,

Jill