After the Grief

I’ve had almost two years filled with loss.

Loneliness, sorrow, and vast tracks of confusion.

Months have slipped between the cracks, and I have little memory of the beginnings of this crumbling. Someone once said, “Grief is the price you pay for love.” I loved my life and the people in it deeply. And I have grieved over these loses. Weren’t my 60s supposed to be a time filled with friends and travel, money enough, and my husband retired?

Yet, each day, I wake up to Let go, again. Accept, again. Try, again. Begin, again. Learning how to be alive in my new life has taken a long time and many detours.

And I’m wondering.

What is it that replaces the grief once it begins to abate?

I don’t know what it is, but recently, something new is beginning. The weight of the grief is less noticeable. Less frequent. A sunken spot remains, an indent. The landscape altered. But as weary sorrow slackens – tired of even itself – what is it that I’m finding? At first there was silence. And more silence. And then, I noticed, the birds began to sing.

Equanimity best describes what I’m learning.

A sort of balance and calm.

An equal-ness of thought and emotion. It comes, I think, from trying to embrace the unknown with simple open acceptance.

Equanimity and equinox share the same root. Equal.

Today, September 22, is the fall or autumn equinox.

There will be equal hours of light and dark today. I find comfort in the seasonal repetitions and patterns. As we now begin to move towards the longest night – December 21, 2023 – I know that spring equinox will follow. Another time of equal light and dark.

It hasn’t been easy to find equanimity.

We have an aversion to seeing our lives changed.

We don’t like our ideas challenged. And so we cling to many innocent concepts. Permanence. Importance. Security. Reputation. Productivity. Control. Yes, mostly control.

I’m learning that to age well, I need to accept mystery. To embrace the unknown. To make a place in my life for loving today whatever it is.

Today will contain good times. Today will contain hardship. Both will come along and wave at me. It calms me to realize and embrace the idea that my day isn’t going to be “bad” nor is my day going to be “good”. I don’t have to choose between the two. This is a fuller reality.

Just as autumn days and nights are equaling out,

so my life is finding a new balance.

The balance is here. Found in large open spaces between Sorrow & Joy. Desire & Reality. Living & Dying. Knowing & Mystery.

To live in equanimity is to embrace whatever reality you’ve been given. It is to live with your heart wide open.

So here’s to hearts that are opening again. I pray that you will find your way, as I am mine.

Love always,

Jill